Describing sporting defeats in terms of grief is obviously way over the top. Yet for England cricket fans having to endure another difficult Ashes tour down under, the 2024/25 series seems to be following that all too familiar pattern.
A cycle that has often been repeated during English winters since 1990 - bar one glorious exception - you would think that most of us would have learned by now. But we do it to ourselves, we do. And that's what really hurts.
So join me as we take a stroll through a typical English winter of hope, disappointments, sleepless nights, anger, realisation and the occasional moments of humour. An Ashes in Australia; my favourite waste of time.
Hope
In retrospect, this is probably the most annoying phase of all. The period of time when you have some optimism. Take 2024/25 as a prime example. England have a settled top seven; we finally have a pace attack that can trouble Australia; there are question marks surrounding Australia's opening batting positions; Pat Cummins and Josh Hazlewood are injured; are Australia collectively past their best?
You try your best to ignore the voices of reason, those experts who throw logic, reason and facts in your face. This could be our year, we just need a solid start to the series and hope that we can put some pressure on the home team. As the first day approaches, you feel like a kid on Christmas Eve. But often Christmas Day could be a let down and you never did get that football goal you always wanted for the back garden.
Reality
Sometimes it takes one ball. Whether it is Michael Slater cutting a Phil DeFreitas long hop for four, Steve Harmison bowling a wide to second slip, or Mitchell Starc bowling Rory Burns, it does not take long for a familiar feeling of dread to flush out any hope you had. Back to life, back to reality. Here we go again.
Even Andrew Strauss tried his best to prick our bubble of optimism in 2010, being dismissed after three balls in the 2010/11 Ashes, yet fortunately that team contained a top three that would generally sell their wickets dearly. At least Zak Crawley lasted six balls in the current series, but that was hardly a reason to be cheerful.
In 2002/03, the combination of Nasser's decision to bowl and Simon Jones' horrible injury gave us all an early indication of the way that winter was going. Yet the most frustrating of all for me was the 1990/91 Ashes, where England held first innings leads in the first two Tests of the series only to throw away decent positions. Which brings us neatly on to the next stage.
Anger
The recent loss in Perth - leading by 105 with nine second innings wickets left - was bad enough. But those of us of a certain vintage will always shudder at the memories of Brisbane and Melbourne in 1990. England led by 84 with nine wickets left in the series opener, but could only set Australia a target of 157. In the very next Test, they led by 149 with just one wicket down, lost nine wickets for 47, and found themselves 2-0 down.
You start questioning your own sanity. Why should I deprive myself of much needed beauty sleep when this lot keep throwing away such fantastic opportunities? Why do I care so much? Show some guts, dig in, ride the storm, stop being so stupid. How is it possible to be this angry at 5.30 in the morning? How did I think we stood a chance in this series? Send them all home. Well done everyone!
Acceptance
Once you get most of the anger out of your system, it is time to move on. We've been here before, experienced the reality that England once again will leave Australia humiliated. At least you can watch the rest of the series without any pressure, that is if you can bothered to waste your winter mornings following this omnishambles.
You start to look for any rays of light. Darren Gough performing so admirably in 1994/95; a win at Adelaide in the same series; that memorable win at Melbourne in 1998/99; Goughie's hat-trick at Sydney; Michael Vaughan in 2002/03; a consolation win at Sydney in 2003, with Australia missing Warne and McGrath, thus providing hope for the future. Maybe cricket isn't quite so bad after all.
Humour
This is a key phase. You might as well laugh, otherwise you could cry at the hopelessness of another bloody tour. So you develop a gallows humour, trying your best to make the best out of a bad situation. Out come the dad jokes and the poor attempts at humour.
Yes, maybe we should bring back Boycott and Tavare. Perhaps the current team are throwing their wickets away as they have a round of golf booked for the next day. Two day Tests give us a few days sleep back in our lives. Thanks chaps.
When your hero Graham Thorpe drops a chance at slip and boots the ball through the covers for a single, you simply have to let out a chuckle. There is no point getting angry anymore. You have accepted that the series has gone and you might as well see the funny side of things.
Aftermath
When the wheels well and truly come off, as they did in 2013/14, there is almost a morbid curiosity regarding the fallout. Every mistake is recalled, questions are raised over preparations and team selection, stories are revealed detailing rows within the dressing room. You look back to the hope phase of the tour and wonder just why you allowed yourself to get sucked in once more.
People are blamed, coaches and players are axed, and the wheel begins turning again. Next time we will not make the same mistakes. We will focus all our attentions on winning an away Ashes series. We must learn from this experience and make sure when we next arrive in Australia that we are ready.
Fast forward four years. This could be our year....
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